


don't let my mind get lost in fears (at night even more)

by sammysidle



Series: so many words in just one word [2]
Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Blanket Permission, Character Study, Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, The Author Regrets Nothing, kaoru's pov, mentions of adam, mentions of unrequited love, post sex, the author regrets sitting on the sofa on Saturday night, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-23 22:08:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30062274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sammysidle/pseuds/sammysidle
Summary: When Kaoru came, with Kojiro still buried deep within him, his cock softening, he did not make a sound.Too stunned, too astonished to utter even the softest gasp. He stilled. He shivered. A shiver that went deep through his spine, through hislife.His throat was exposed, his hands around Kojiro’s neck, his back arched towards him trying to becloser, closer, closer.
Relationships: Nanjo Kojiro | Joe/Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom
Series: so many words in just one word [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2211204
Comments: 14
Kudos: 182





	don't let my mind get lost in fears (at night even more)

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaand, here I am again, with a fic about how awful unrequited love is. This is absolutely not based on my life, like absolutely NOT. *coughs*
> 
> Again, nothing in the fic would make sense if my incredibly smart and sleepy beta, Hongse. She might as well be listed as a co-author by how much she helped getting this thing ready. 
> 
> The title, as usual with most of my fics, comes from two Italian songs badly translated by Le Moi. The first part is from _Almeno tu nell'Universo_ sung by Mia Martini, a song I most certainly DO NOT cry about every single time I listen to it... *whistles*  
> It is a song about a promising love, full of hope and acceptance. I totally associate this song with Joe.  
> The second part of the title (even though it looks just like a normal sentence) comes from the song _Minuetto_ again by Mia Martini. A song about a destructive love, almost unrequited, where one person uses the other without being as much involved, needless to say I associate this song with Adam. To (mis)quote our Lord Saviour Aragorn: 'A day may come when I will stop using Italian songs for fic titles... BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY'
> 
> No condoms or ~~leaking arses~~ were forgotten during this fic... they just didn't fit the mood, give an author some _poetic licence_.
> 
> All the Japanese in this fic comes from either the internet or my beloved flatmate who had the patience of answering all my annoying questions (some of them very stupid) without just telling me to f8ck off. I owe you a beer and a Sea Shanty at 3am for this. If any Japanese folks find any mistakes, please feel free to tell me and I will do my best to correct them!
> 
> I have started watching this anime... well never really. It's all cherry_picking and hongse's fault and I cannot be held responsible for anything else that will be written under this anime induced self therapy session. 
> 
> Sakurayashiki Kaoru has made me deal with my own demons more than 11 years of supportive friends did.

When Kaoru came, with Kojiro still buried deep within him, his cock softening, he did not make a sound.

Too stunned, too astonished to utter even the softest gasp. He stilled. He shivered. A shiver that went deep through his spine, through his _life_.

His throat was exposed, his hands around Kojiro’s neck, his back arched towards him trying to be _closer_ , _closer_ , _closer_.

Afterwards, there was calm. _Peace_. Their heavy breathing the only sound in the whole universe.

He tried to concentrate on that sound, register how their breaths coming in unison could create this new melody made of _them_ , one that only the two of them were witness of, only the two of them could _make_. 

Kojiro, whose head was resting in the crook of his neck like that was the only place in the world he could find solace, took a deep breath that sent more shivers down his spine. He then propped his head up, their foreheads touching, and looked at him like his eyes were the only thing worth looking at.

“I love you.”

Kaoru’s eyes started prickling at the corners, a sign of tears trying to get free. He would not allow them. He had never allowed them to escape his eyes, not since he had been old enough to stop them.

He shut his eyelids, and it was not because of the tears - he was used to stop them without even thinking - _no_ , it was because he could not bear to look at Kojiro knowing he did not deserve the kind of love he was bestowing so freely upon him.

Maybe it was the aftermath of the orgasm but he felt all his guilt, previously carefully bottled away in the deepest corner of his heart, surging back up and starting to overflow, threatening the dam that was keeping his tears at bay. 

He thought about how in love he had been with someone else until not long ago. He would never deny or forsake those feelings. They had existed, they had been real, he had felt them deeply and they made him the person he is today and _yet_ , he couldn’t stop thinking that if he had never met Adam… 

He knew, rationally, it was not his fault nor Adam’s, but there was this underlying belief scratching at the back of his brain, _never leaving him alone,_ that he had lost them time. Precious time. Years they could have shared _together_.

His thoughts ran back to Kojiro, how he must’ve longed to say those words (“ _I love you_ _” - the dam was dangerously giving in_ ) out loud for years, how it must’ve pained him to keep them from escaping his lips on many occasions. He made his best friend suffer, and he will never forgive himself for that.

Kaoru was not an idiot. He had realised something was up with Kojiro since… forever, really. Kaoru would do something, _anything_ , and Kojiro would look at him with an adoration bordering on devotion; at the venerable age of eleven he was too complacent about having an audience to start questioning him about it. Then high school came and with it came Adam, and Kojiro’s admiring looks suddenly became softer, not resigned but _accepting_. 

He was so consumed by his own sadness that he did not stop one second to think about Kojiro’s. He started hurting the person who had been the most important in his life until that very moment without even realising it.

He was such an asshole. How could he have not recognised the languish on Kojiro’s face when it had been the same one staring back at him from the mirror every day?

That question finally did it. 

A sob. More like a chocked whimper, really.

Another one. A real one this time. A full, loud sob.

And finally, _finally_ the dam collapsed completely, letting go of all the tears he had never let himself shed before.

He cried for himself, for how much he had loved someone who never loved him back. He cried for every single thought he hadn’t spared for Kojiro. He cried for all the late hours spent studying for entrance exams, for every skinned knee on his early skating attempts, for every toy someone stole from him as a toddler.

While silently sobbing - Kojiro’s hand on his cheek stroking soothingly - he realised that for every single stolen toy, there was a new one Kojiro would gift him the day after; for every skinned knee there was a plaster put there by Kojiro; for every hour spent studying there was food prepared by Kojiro, training to enter in culinary school; for all the times his sorrow over Adam would take him to dark places, there was the Sun of a new city Kojiro would drag him to with the excuse of refining his cooking techniques, _to show him the world could be better_. Even if he was not allowed to be part of it.

He opened his eyes, still sobbing. He had not even realised that Kojiro had moved from where he was nestled in between his legs and was now on his side, embracing him with his strong arms, surrounding Kaoru like he was trying to protect him from whatever was hurting him. How could he know that the only thing Kaoru needed to be protected from was himself?

He felt Kojiro’s hand moving, caressing his face, going down his neck and stopping on his chest, right where his heart was.

“It’s okay, let it out.”

That made him cry even more. Kojiro knew where his sadness was coming from and he was trying to create a place that was only theirs. A place nobody else was allowed in, his body the only shield left between them and the world.

* * *

Kaoru slowly woke up. He opened his eyes, feeling cold. It was still the middle of the night. Though he remembered falling asleep in Kojiro’s arms, lulled by his steady breathing, the habit of sleeping alone must have made them unconsciously split during the night, Kaoru on his back as usual and Kojiro on his left side, his back to him.

Though he would never admit it to anyone out loud, not even his boyfriend (lover, companion, friend… all sounded so cheap) himself, he missed the contact.

He moved towards him and, in a surge of egoistic courage, he hugged him from behind, his right arm hooked on his muscled chest while his left one started roaming through the soft green hair at the nape of his neck.

Kojiro must have woken up as well because he sighed in approval and moved his back closer to Kaoru’s body. He felt his warmth, his strong muscles relaxing even more against him, completely at ease.

Kaoru found himself wanting to talk, to let words express the concepts that were forming in his head, but spoken words were difficult for him.

Funny for a person who made the use of words his main source of income to be at a complete loss when it meant materialising them in his mouth.

He knew exactly what he wanted to express, that was never the problem with him. The problem was that he was only good at doing it with a brush and ink. Suddenly a familiar itch made its way to his right hand. Desperate in his quest for a brush - a pencil, _something_ \- he gripped the other man’s pectorals tight to try and calm the sensation. It only made it worst.

Then, almost unconsciously, he started composing words on Kojiro’s chest with the tip of his finger, his expert hand at ease despite the strange angle.

愛してる, I love you.

He was pressing small kisses on his neck, one for each stroke.

He really did not think Kojiro would get it, it must’ve been a series of nonsensical doodles for him. A lover’s way to keep his hands occupied while trying to go back to sleep.

“I love you too, four-eyes,” he said with a voice that was almost a whisper. Then he added more soundly, “now let me go back to sleep! Someone here actually works for a living.”

That startled him. Once, Kojiro had told him that he understood him better than he thought. This was the tangible proof. He understood his language, his way of expressing his feelings and that was the closest he had ever felt to true acceptance. Not the sad one he had seen on Kojiro’s eyes for a long time though, _he_ felt accepted. Even if those words would never come out of his mouth, Kojiro would know. He always knew.

A surge of happiness suddenly lightened his mood. He felt confident again, the fear of drowning in his own guilt was finally, slowly, lifting.

His hand started moving again.

ゴリラ, Gorilla.

His mouth curved in a mischievous smile while he lightly bit his shoulder. He waited for the other man to retort. But he was still, more still than before even. He must have fallen asleep again, soothed by the even movements of his fingers.

“ _ARGH_ ”

All of a sudden, he found himself pinned down on the bed, Kojiro kissing him _everywhere_ , ruthlessly.

“Gorilla, uh!”, he said in between kisses. “I’ll show you gorilla, four-eyes!”.

Kaoru, surprised, laughed. And let himself be happy.

Maybe one day he would be able to speak freely about his feelings. Maybe he will have Carla do it for him ( _she would refuse, and she would judge him. Very much_ ). Maybe, like his tears, once he would start he would never be able to stop. 

_Maybe_.

For now, he let this first night with Kojiro sink in, savouring each piece of skin, committing each kiss to memory, exploring the hills of his chest ( _the best skate park he had ever skated on_ ) determined to come to know them like the back of his own hand, the same hand he would use to tell him how much he loved him every night for the rest of his days.

**Author's Note:**

> Now I am crying at my own fic... why am I like this? T.T Why do I love this man so much I would physically hurt someone for him? 
> 
> A couple of notes: 
> 
> This 愛してる is _Ai shiteru_ \- It literally means 'I love you' in a romantic way. I have been told that Japanese people rarely use this word (especially in public) as culturally they prefer to express their feelings in a more 'contained' way. I find it fascinating. Apparently they think that if you use the word too much, it will lose its deep meaning. I find this way of thinking about words extremely meaningful. 
> 
> Writing from Kaoru's POV is certainly not a type of self-therapy and I will not engage with anyone that thinks otherwise *deep sarcastic tone*
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I enjoy eating Okonomiyaki.


End file.
